Epona's Bath
by Jjkaybomb
Summary: Link gives Epona a bath...or tries to anyway. It's done! Four chapters! I ran out of ways to torture Link...
1. Something Smells, And It's Epona

Epona's Bath  
  
Rated PG for comic violence and mild swearing…and one possibly dirty joke.   
  
Disclaimer: I own OOT!!! Well, the game is in my room somewhere…but I have no right to use its characters…anyway…R&R, pleeeeese?!  
  
Link pulled out his ocarina, he was going to ride to Ganon's Fortress and kick Gannondorf's ugly butt. He was going to make a grand entrance on his proud steed, Epona. As usual, right after he had played Epona's Song she came charging towards him.  
  
"Hey, Epona! It's nice…urg!"  
  
Link held his breath as Epona came closer, she was absolutely filthy and reeked something terrible.  
  
"Epona! Where have you been?!" asked Link, gagging from the smell.  
  
Epona's only answer was a flick of her tail, swatting Navi into a tree.  
  
"Epona, did you see that Gerudo horse again????"  
  
Epona gave him a look that plainly said, so what if I have?  
  
"Bad horse! I don't want you to be seeing that Gerudo horse again! You get so dirty in the desert!"  
  
Epona snorted and shook her head.  
  
"Give up on that, she'll never listen to you," said Navi while nursing a huge bruise on her head.  
  
Link knew that he could never ride Epona in this condition, he'd probably faint from the smell and everyone would laugh at him. So, holding his breath, he led Epona by the reigns to Lake Hylia to wash her off.  
  
After beating all the Tektites in the area, he led Epona down to the water's edge by the scarecrow. Then he realized that he needed a brush. He searched his bags only finding a bunch of weapons and other spiffy tools. He inspected an arrow from his quiver, wondering if he could use the feathers at the end of it. Rooting through his main sack he found a comb he had borrowed from Saria and never returned.  
  
I don't she'll be expecting it back, he thought, I mean, it has been seven years.  
  
A comb was no use to Link, then he came up with an idea. He would put Epona in the water and wash her off with his hands.  
  
He grabbed Epona's reigns and started to pull her into the water, but Epona would not budge.  
  
"Aww, c'mon!"  
  
Epona whinnied and butted Link with her head. Link went flying and landed in the water with a splash.  
  
The scarecrow let out a loud laugh, "Oh! Better luck next time, Ocarina Kid!"  
  
Link swam to shore. He was sopping wet and mad as hell, "MOVE! You stupid horse!" He got behind Epona and started to push her, then Epona bucked Link. Link flew backwards and hit the cliff wall.  
  
The scarecrow laughed with sheer mirth as he spun around and around on his stick. Then Navi flew right up to the scarecrow.  
  
"It's not funny!" she shouted right in his face, "It's not funny at all!"  
  
"Go screw yourself you stupid fairy!"  
  
Navi's bottom lip quivered, then she burst into noisy tears and flew away.  
  
The scarecrow was still laughing when Link came back. Link glared at him, then he broke into a wide smile. He advanced on the scarecrow.  
  
"Hey! What are you doing???" the scarecrow cried.  
  
Link didn't answer. He pulled the scarecrow out of the ground by the stick.  
  
"What are you going to do to me?????"  
  
"You're going to wash Epona!"  
  
"What?! No! AAAAArgplth"  
  
Link dunked the scarecrow in the lake and pulled him out again. The scarecrow had lost his hat and vest under water. The scarecrow trashed around as Link carried him over to Epona.  
  
"NOOOOO! I am not a sponge!"  
  
"Stop thrashing around! It's hard enough to carry you! What do you weigh, seventy pounds?"  
  
"I have the right not to say-ack!"  
  
Link had reached Epona and started brushing her with the scarecrow.  
  
"I am so glad I don't have a nose! This horse is disgusting! Ew! Something got in my hair! Ack!"  
  
The scarecrow started thrashing again and smacked Epona's rump. Epona got up on her hind legs and whinnied loudly. When she got down she charged at Link and flattened him. The scarecrow, who had been spared a trampling, started to laugh hysterically.  
  
"You deserved it! You damn Ocarina Kid!"  
  
Link jumped up and yelled. He drew his sword and sliced the scarecrow into a thousand pieces. Then he looked around for Epona. She was in the water up to her neck and apparently washing herself  
  
Link falls down anime style. 


	2. She's Smart, But He Can Be Smarter

Epona's Bath Chapter 2: She's Smart, But He Can Be Smarter  
  
Wow! I didn't think people would like it so much! It was my first fanfic (well sorta, HackLUNCH went up at the same time) since I'm doing some more chapters maybe I should change it to Link's Completely Psycho-Maniac Horse or something...I'll stick with Epona's Bath for now...R&R!!!!  
  
Rated PG for comic violence and mild swearing and possible dirty jokes  
  
Disclaimer: I OOT!!! My friend is borrowing it, but I have no right to use its characters and stuff and I am possibly breaking the law posting this...  
  
Link was sitting by the edge of Lake Hylia, waiting for his horse to be done in the water.  
  
He shouted out to her, "You never wanted to go in now come out!"  
  
Epona just whinnied and went deeper into the water, "Well, I hope you fall off the drop-off then! See if I care!" Link pouted and scowled and whined, but Epona did not come out. (he only has the attitude of a ten-year-old y'know) Eventually he gave up. The scarecrow's pieces started wheezing laughter. Link, in a major temper tantrum, sliced all the pieces until they were only little atoms, then he stomped on them so hard they split in half.  
  
BOOM  
  
Link was blown away by the nuclear explosion that followed. He flew straight through the old guy's lab wall.  
  
"What the hell was that? That hurt more then when my eyes burned out from seeing Impa!"  
  
"That would be something so vastly scientific that your puny brain cannot comprehend it," said the old man.  
  
"What're you talking about you old fart?"  
  
"I'll tell you if you dive down to the bottom of the pool. I lost my teeth down there."  
  
"I don't really want to know, but since I have nothing better to do, I'll do it."  
  
Link put the Iron Boots on and dropped down to the bottom, where a hungry shark was waiting for him. Link screamed and took off the boots. He swam ferociously to the top, only loosing his hat along the way.  
  
"You're crazy, you old fart! I could have been killed! And I lost my favorite hat! Now all the people are gonna laugh at me cause I don't have my dazzling hat that I look so handsome in!"  
  
"No loss..."  
  
"That was my best hat...!"  
  
"I meant you, we could all use one less muscle head in this world..."  
  
The old professor was unable to continue because his lungs were one side of the room and his head was on the other. Link was getting furious now, Epona was going to come out of that water whether she liked it or not. Link marched out of the old man's house to where Epona was to find her with several Zora.  
  
"Oh Epona, I absolutely adore you!" said one Zora.  
  
"You have such a lovely light fur!" said another.  
  
"I wish I could be with you forever and ever!" said the third Zora.  
  
"Beat it you stupid Zora! She's MY horse!"  
  
The third Zora looked appalled "You mean it's a girl?!"  
  
Having absolutely no patience ever, he drew out his bow and was ready to shoot the stupid Zoras, but they swam away. Link turned to Epona.  
  
"Epona! You come out now!"  
  
Epona just snorted in response.  
  
"I have a carrot for you!"  
  
Epona was smarter that that, only Malon and the Gerudo horse ever fed her.  
  
Link swam out to Epona and grabbed her by the reigns, but, being in water, he had no force to pull her with, even if he kicked really hard. He put on the Iron Boots again, but once he was on the bottom he slid and fell down to the absolute bottom of the lake. Not being smart enough to put on the Zora Vest, he coughed and sputtered when he reached surface again.  
  
"Dammit! Move!" He yelled as he swam up behind Epona, and Epona did move. She kicked him so hard that he flew and hit the tree on the island, crushing Navi who was returning from her crying fit.  
  
"I fell for it again! How stupid am I!?" Link shouted.  
  
Navi was smart enough not to answer him, or maybe she was just unconscious.  
  
He walked over the bridges and all the way around to where Epona was and pouted at her. Then he got a brilliant idea, he pulled out his ocarina and played Epona's Song again. When she heard it, she came charging right towards him.  
  
Link smiled to himself, "Now that's a good hor-" Link was trampled again by Epona.  
  
There shall be more...If you review and like it!! 


	3. Oh Epona, Thou Art Cruel

Epona's Bath Chapter 3: Oh, Epona, Thou Art Cruel  
  
Yay! People still liked it! I thought the second chapter was a bit of a decline. This took a little long because I dyed my hair purple and my dad wasn't too happy about it -. I'm keeping Epona's Bath for my own reasons...R&R  
  
Rated PG for comic violence and mild swearing and a possible dirty joke  
  
Disclaimer: I no longer own OOT! I sold it to my best friend for thirty bucks and an issue of Shonen Jump! Now I am rich and well-read!  
  
Link got up off the ground, Epona had it coming to her. As soon as he beat Ganon, he was going to kill that horse. He looked down at himself. He groaned inwardly.  
  
I'm covered in mud and grass! he thought, and my favorite hat is still gone! He glared at Epona who was docilely eating grass.  
  
"Don't go anywhere!" he shouted at her, and he dove in the lake to wash himself off. He swam to the island where a semi-conscious Navi was.  
  
"Ohhhhh, what happened...my head..." Navi groaned.  
  
Link picked up Navi and carried her to the late professor's house.  
  
"What are you doing? AAAAAckpth!" Link tossed Navi into the shark tank and looked down.  
  
Good, he thought, that distracted the shark. He got out his Longshot and got his hat back as Navi flew out of the water.  
  
"What was that for?!"  
  
Link wasn't listening, "My hat is in shreds!" he cried out.  
  
"Oh please it's just a stupid-" she stopped abruptly to the look on Link's face, "I mean, we'll get you a new one.  
  
"I don't want a new one! This is the one I got from Saria on our first date!"  
  
"You had a date when you were ten????"  
  
Link didn't answer. Mourning over his lost hat, he brought it outside the house and buried it. He stuck his Kokiri sword in the dirt.  
  
"Here lies my hat," he said in a sad tone, "It was so young! Why did it have to die?! Why?! Why?!"  
  
Why is he making so much fuss over a stupid hat???? Navi thought.  
  
"EPONA! You are the cause of the death of my hat! Now I'm really gonna kill you...after I get Ganon!"  
  
He marched down to where Epona was, "Epona, let's...she's sleeping!"  
  
It was true, Epona was sound asleep. Smart enough not to get behind or in front of Epona, he went up to her side, "Epona! Wake up!" Epona just piddled on Link's shoe.  
  
"Yuck! Gross! Horse piss!" he started to spin around clutching his throat, "Gack! I've been poisoned!" Link jumped in the lake.  
  
Navi went up to Epona and bopped her on the nose. Epona shook her head, snorted, and ate Navi.  
  
"Eek! Help me!" she called from Epona's stomach.  
  
Link came back, "Hm...Navi is so unreliable..."  
  
"Link help me!" came a minuet cry from inside Epona.  
  
"Huh? Oh..." Link was torn. This was his chance to finally get rid of Navi, but he also hated Epona.  
  
"Oh...fine, I'll help you Navi..."  
  
He opened Epona's mouth, "Fly out!"  
  
"Stupid! I'm stuck!"  
  
"Alright then..." He stuck his arm down Epona's throat and grabbed on to Navi, but Epona didn't like having arms stuck down her throat. She bit down on Link's arm.  
  
"Ow! You stupid hooooooorrrrse!"  
  
Epona had bucked up on her hind legs and sent Link with Navi in his hand soaring. This ended abruptly due to a large cliff. Epona fell right back asleep.  
  
Link brushed himself off, he wasn't too dirty, but he was super mad. He marched right up to Epona, got on, and kicked her really hard, "Move! Dammit!" Again, he flew off the horse into the cliff. When he fell, he squashed Navi, and Epona fell asleep again.  
  
Link walked right up to Epona and pouted, "Fine then, take a nap, but I'm not waiting!" He pulled out his ocarina and played the Sun's Song. Immediately, the bright day around him turned into dark night...but Epona wasn't there.  
  
"Not again!" he cried out. He knew exactly where Epona was, with the Gerudo horse.  
  
The Gerudo horse comes in! There will be at least two more chapters... 


	4. The Last Chapter!

Epona's Bath Chapter 4:

The Final Long Chapter!

I'm getting slightly tired of doing this...but there will still be five chaps. Sorry this took waaaaay too long. I went to Montana to visit my grandparents, seriously. I feel as though this story is going in a steady decline. And yeah, I did dye my hair purple, but it was the wash out kind so dad didn't get too mad...R&R!

Rated PG for comic violence and mild swearing and a few possible dirty jokes

Disclaimer: I own OOT again! My friend got this disk with OOT and Master Quest on it for the Gamecube so I got my cheap 64 version back! But I'm not allowed to use the characters or anything.

Link ran all the way to Gerudo Valley, which wasn't very far. He knew that if he used Epona's Song again she'd just trample him again and he wouldn't be fit to kick Gannondorf's butt. Finally he reached the valley. He ran across the bridge and into the Gerudo Fortress where he spotted Epona with a tall black horse.

"Epona!" he called out, "You come here now!"

Epona only snorted. The black horse glared at him. Link moved towards Epona.

"C'mon Epona! I have to go beat Gannondorf and I can go without you!"

But when Link touched Epona the tall black horse whinnied and stood up on it's hind legs. Then the legs came down on Link.

"OW! Get off me you damn horse!"

The Gerudo that owned the horse heard the commotion outside and came charging out.

"If you so much as TOUCH my horse you thieves, I'll tear out your heart and eat it for dinner!"

"Ack! Wait! Stop!" Link cried out as the Gerudo trampled him searching for the thief.

The Gerudo jumped off Link, "Get off the boy!"

The horse, got off Link and he jumped up, "Could you get your horse to stop seeing Epona?! What if she got hurt or had a baby or something?!"

"I doubt that they'd have a baby, Gerudo only use female horses y'know."

It took a few seconds for this piece of information to sink in with Link. Then he stared at Epona. Epona just snorted.

"Well," he continued, "Can I have my horse back?"

"Your horse? It's my horse! She came to me and I own her!"

"No you don't! Just because she came to you doesn't mean she's yours! Give her back!"

"I will on one condition."

"Name it!"

"Be my boyfriend."

Link stared at the Gerudo. She was ugly, not as ugly as Impa, but still but ugly.

"Absolutely not!"

"Then no horse!"

"But it's my horse!"

"Prove it!"

"Fine!" Link tried to get up on the saddle, but Epona just bucked him off. The Gerudo let out a laugh. Link didn't like being laughed at, so he pulled out his sword, but the Gerudo blocked it.

The Gerudo was laughing like mad as she put her swords back in the sheaths, and Link hated being laughed at, then he got a great idea.

"Hey, stand right in front of Epona and I'll prove that she's mine."

"Fine."

As the Gerudo went forward, Link stood back. Then, when the Gerudo was right in front of Epona, Link played Epona's Song. Epona's ears pricked up, and she trampled the Gerudo and headed towards Link.

Link was the one laughing now, "Hahahaha! That's what you get you ugly b-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence because he was trampled by Epona.

SCENE CHANGE I didn't feel like doing another chapter, so I just put this in with it

Link walked away from the valley in a state of despair. Even when the Gerudo was unconscious, all his efforts to bring Epona back with him ended in pain. Then the Gerudo woke up and more pain ensued. He was going to the only person he could complain to: Malon.

He walked all the way to the LonLon Ranch and it was dawn by the time that he got there. Malon was already up tending to the Cuccos.

"Link!" she called out, "Where's Epona!?"

"I hate that damn horse!" he yelled back, "She never listens to me! All she ever does is trample me! She killed my hat and nearly killed me! Can I get an exchange or something?!"

Malon was mad, "You hate my horse?! That's the best horse and my favorite horse! How dare you insult dear Epona! Sure she may be a little wild, but she's not that bad! You're over reacting! I'll even show you!"

She was about to sing Epona's Song. Link shouted, "No!" but it was too late.

Epona ran up and trampled Link.

"See! I told you she was a menace!" he yelled, jumping up.

"She didn't mean it! Didn't you Epona?"

Link was very ticked off by then. He got out his arrows and shot one at Malon. She dodged it and it hit a Cucco.

The Cucco let out a loud crow, then all the Cuccos started chasing Link and pecking him.

"Ow! Ow! Owowowowowowow! That hurts -ow!- you dumb -ow!- birds!"

So Link ran off the ranch and never ever came back or called Epona again. So once he healed he went to beat Gannondorf, but all the Re-Deads laughed at him without a horse or best hat. But then all the Re-Deads found themselves in several pieces, so it doesn't matter anyway.

-THE END-


End file.
